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Monday, December 7th, 2009
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1:00 pm - ishmaelia
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no one needs to read moby dick. douche chases whale. mayhem ensues. everyone dies.
moral: don't be a douche. also: don't fuck with whales. oh, and balls to american romanticism.
current mood:  snarky
current music: sleater-kinney - modern girl
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| Saturday, December 5th, 2009
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5:35 pm - dream peaceful, nana
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Marjorie Ethel Selena Stenning (née Chinnery): 18 March 1920 - 30 November 2009  |
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| Thursday, October 8th, 2009
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3:54 pm - something's fucky
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a couple of days ago i dropped a package of tictacs on my foot and it actually left a bruise.
patrick is coming to vancouver with me.
(!!!)
current mood:  restless
current music: the castaways - liar liar
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| Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
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7:30 pm - more-atorium
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new project: run out of everything
i'm overwhelmed with a desire to use things up. i want to have nothing. condiments, freezer items, canned goods, lotions, product - anything that accumulates, or that i tend to replaced before it's gone. and not just the duplicates and triplicates: i want to use up all the baking soda, vinegar, dishsoap, staples, notepads, envelopes, cotton balls, eyeshadow, chapstick, toothpicks ...
this is not a drive towards conspicuous consumption at the level of illness; rather, i want to be the old lady whose cupboards are bare. i want there to be nothing left.
the satisfaction i currently derive from tossing empty salad-dressing jars into the recycling almost sets off the ocd alarm, but if i'm reverse-hoarding, so be it. there is just so much, and i ardently desire less.
current mood:  calm
current music: glasser - apply
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| Friday, September 18th, 2009
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12:16 am - anagrammar
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D I S S E R T A T I O N
disaster into - our journey beginneth
a dissent riot - "an original contribution to the discursive community"
idea sits torn - writer's block
dire stations - our desks
astern idiots - grad students
raised tits no - inevitable sexual frustration, social retardation
diarists note - pretentiousness
stationers id - wasted paper
saint editors - spellcheck, shift-F7, etc etc
sedation stir - medicated cabin fever
trained sit so - institutionalised ASD (attention surplus disorder)
instead i sort - procrastination
asteroid tins - preferred holding vessel of the faraday and foil hat community
inertias dots - starfield simulation screensaver
striated ions - pixelated visual impairment
star sedition - paranoia creeps in
sonar ditties - songs in our heads
soda nitrites - redbull poisoning
orient sadist - our supervisor
arsonist edit - the burning method of revision
sanitised rot - submit, defend.
current mood:  apathetic
current music: sally shapiro - dying in africa
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| Sunday, August 30th, 2009
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3:27 am - FTW?
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however ill-advised, hope glimmers. there is a light that never goes out.
the situation is no longer dire, and i'm hoping honesty remains the best policy.
my grownup brother has faced the grownup effects of the economy, and was laid off. he's using his EI to go to the beach.
ailing grandparents continue to hold onto lives still worth living. neither say much, but i suspect they feel they don't need to.
i will start writing my dissertation september 8. you heard me.
august might be the beginning of winter in edmonton, but i can't help but live for those 14 minutes of fall.
current music: placebo - every you every me
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| Monday, July 13th, 2009
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1:01 am - fail blog
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i have unsuccessfully fallen out of love with the one person who has hurt me more than anyone else in my life, and have allowed the last two weeks raise hopes i had intended to dash to pieces. panic swelling my throat again, but of course it's nobody's fault but my own. fool me twice. thrice. over and over again. please.
i let my dearest friend fall in love with me, and it seems that if he can't have me on his terms, he won't have me at all. sensible, really. i do this to myself. i do. but that's not what really hurts. i hear myself say things that have so recently been said to me, and can almost see it from the other side.
me brutha is officially more grown up than i. on top of the engineering salary and the audi, he now shares a lovely yuppie apartment with his girlfriend. i ate the supper they made thoughtfully and quietly, reminding myself that i don't want any of it anyway while stabbing a fork into my thigh.
two of my three remaining grandparents are not long for this world. one on oxygen, the other morphine; the first suffering from heart failure (we were surprised to learn he has one), the other weak bones and waning will. i don't know what to do or how to feel so mostly i don't.
this is the nine month mark of doing sweet fuck all. i waste time a lot of time and money and breath being a layabout and a ne'er-do-well. as in every other aspect of my life, i've nothing to show for myself.
but last night i went skinny-dipping by moonlight at wreck on a 3:30am whim and swam until sunrise, so maybe it's time to get my head out of my ass and back into my game. i tire of being off it.
current mood:  scared
current music: sonic youth - the neutral
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| Monday, June 1st, 2009
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12:35 pm - this sex which is not what?
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umm, i think i was just accepted to that seminar with luce irigaray.
omg?
current mood:  shocked
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| Sunday, May 17th, 2009
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12:14 am - slow descent into alcoholism
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saturday night. i fail at everything except drinking beer, at which i'm total pro (that's what i'm here for). i've been losing time since i was, like, eight, and it's starting to catch up with me. sleep too much or not at all, spend minutes on end staring at nothing in particular, shoulders strained with guilt and anxiety and impending doom. the space i'm in is large and empty.
painted toenails do not a dissertation write.
i swear i'm not scared. that is not what this is. i just don't want any of it. status quo, yo.
current mood: apathetic
current music: lydia lunch + thurston moore - some boys
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| Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
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2:36 pm - in the springtime of his voodoo
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dreamt last night i was on a pier at a beach with an unobscured view of new york (sans bridges), surrounded by unassuming passers-by of the dimanche après-midi à l'île de la grande jatte variety. a bird - not seagull - found a large mussel and cracked it open like an egg. the contents slid into the water, where it lay brightly visible amidst a cluster of rocks. i made my brother dive in to fetch it and returned it to the bird, who promptly ignored it.
two nights ago i dreamt i scored a million scrabble points with the word "vivisect."
i haven't really been okay lately.
capacity to be blue and unwell reached critical mass around 4 o'clock this morning, at which point i decided i need my life back. better sleep habits, better food habits, better work habits, less habitual drinking and feeling like i'm dying inside. knees closed; eyes, mind, windows open: i will walk along these hillsides in the summer 'neath the sunshine.
here endeth the winter of my discontent, version 2.7
current mood: better
current music: sonic youth - sympathy for the strawberry
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| Wednesday, April 15th, 2009
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9:37 pm - why i do what i do: or, exercises in futility
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| Thursday, March 19th, 2009
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1:54 am - amor/atorium
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no one gets what they give, so we take what we can get. a raw deal, that. i give and forgive, and for what? nothing more than this, where this is the castrated hollowness of where my insides used to be.
i really wanted to be wrong about everything.
current mood:  sick
current music: placebo - lady of the flowers
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| Monday, March 2nd, 2009
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1:41 pm - fat tuesday
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sometimes i am extremely frustrated by the "health movement." why is it impossible to find gum that isn't sugarless, or yoghurt that isn't fat-reduced? i prefer my life full of fat and sugar. if you want to diet, try a bad break-up or acquire a meth addiction. don't ruin it for the rest of us.
current mood:  irritated
current music: joy division - twenty four hours
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2009
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2:26 pm - <3
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which is not to say that the people who share my life with me aren't fucking amazing.
happy VD kids. i heart you very much.
current mood:  amused
current music: blaqk audio - semiotic love
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| Friday, February 13th, 2009
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1:47 am - post-"when harry met sally"
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i've always been a girl-hater. ever since i was a tiny person, girls were never my thing. my preschool report card read "chooses to associate more with boys," and that's how i roll. until highschool, i thought it was because i didn't need them. then i figured out i was wrong, and found myself violently attached to the bestest girlz ever. they probably don't know it, but i thank my lucky stars pretty much every day for having them in my life. so while i still tend to befriend dudes more often and easily than ladies, now it's more because i feel like i have that base covered. it's not that i don't need them - it's that i couldn't ask for anything more.
the boys in my life are more transient, the friendships more fleeting. they fall out of touch, or out of season, or in love with girls who aren't me. i hate that. i write them off, and find new ones. on occasion, however, they fall in love with girls who *are* me. usually because i've tried to make it happen. i develop an intense friend-crush and demand the same intensity in return. mayhem ensues. these are the best friends i've ever had, the best lovers i haven't, and the only people with unreserved access to my insides, which i resent because the reverse is never the case. so i taunt and tease and behave like a brat, pushy 'til i push them away, cuz when have i ever been good with vulnerability? and invariably, they bail.
i don't think it's the difference between an intense sexual history and a history of sexual tension. or misguided acts of self-preservation. or waiting for the other shoe or ball or whatever to drop. i think it's probably because i'm a jackass. which sucks, you know, a lot.
(i miss you)
current mood: intimidated
current music: placebo - without you i'm nothing
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2009
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8:21 pm - as i recall, it was a horror film
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i decided there weren't enough assholes on the internet bitching about movies, so my boys and i started a blog. there are only two entries so far, but i've plenty of time to kill.
current mood:  productive
current music: vnv nation - anthem
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2009
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7:20 pm - this twilight garden
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why do all mix cds made in earnest end up sounding like the juno soundtrack?
is this what happens when love sucks less?
i am learning. having almost stifled the self-preservation cries of little miss hatelove and held dearly to something i never quite had, it seems i'm capable of both patience and perseverance. i guess sometimes you can get what you want if you want it badly enough. i'm trying really hard to believe in me, and not wait to be proven wrong.
if that leaves me smiling in the face of welsh twee and feedback gospel, i can't really complain.
current mood:  satisfied
current music: joensuu 1685 - (you shine) brighter than light
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| Monday, January 5th, 2009
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2:33 am - tentative shades of ...
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i might've been a bit hasty.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: mew - the seething rain weeps for you
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
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4:49 pm - heartburn
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clinched indeed: worst. year. ever.
the difference between 27 and 24 is so much more than 3 ...
fuck 2008
current mood:  devastated
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| Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
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1:55 am - the winter of my discontent
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revamped from last year, which was characterized by an unvarying level of mediocrity.
2008 is in the running for both best and worst year ever. tomorrow should clinch it.
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
went all in. turns out i'm not a gambling man. was left with nothing but this drink in my hand.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i didn't make any, so at least i didn't fail.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
babies abounded, few in proximity to me.
a lot of people had them; i didn't.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
my (other) beloved kitten-cat
5. What places did you visit?
montréal, south bend (indiana), somewhere in michigan, the chicago airport
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
self-esteem
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
july 29. august 22. september 15.
the beginning, the middle, and the end.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i'm ABD
9. What was your biggest failure?
i don't actually know anything. or better.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
my insides never got so much play
11. What was the best thing you bought?
peace of mind. the government owes me $525.
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
the internet's
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
everyone else's
14. Where did most of your money go?
more shoes. more booze.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
a boy
16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
MIA - paper planes
17. Compared to this time last year, are you?
i. happier or hardened? ironclad.
ii. thinner or fatter? smaller. sprightly. i step lightly.
iii. richer or poorer? i have always enjoyed living slightly beyond my means.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
work
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
cry. drink ... but only sorta.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
snowed in
22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
epically. tragically. grecian proportions.
23. How many one-night stands?
none, ever. still.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
gossip girl
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
on being hated: don't give way to hating. look good; talk wise.
i'm still trying
26. What was the best book you read?
i'm working hard on repressing most of the reading i did this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
yelle. lykke li.
28. What did you want and get?
the fiery passion of a thousand suns
29. What did you want and not get?
yes i said yes i will yes
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
machinegirl
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
three-cubed, balls deep in slutty redheads with my best girlz and some amazing boys
32. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
affirmation
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
grey. black. boots.
34. What kept you sane?
girlz. boys. beer. text messaging.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
chuck bass, cuz i'm a pervy cougar lady like that
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the american presidential election
37. Who did you miss?
ephera. my city. you.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
chadrock
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that said, i intend to make 2009 fucking awesome.
current mood: apprehensive
current music: 200 cigarettes
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diligent